So yesterday a friend of mine took his own life. It has really got me thinking about a lot of things. His family is really in complete denial that he could have done this to himself, and I can completely understand where they are coming from. What I can't understand is why they would accuse his girlfriend of doing so. She was at one time my best friend and I know and understand her better than anyone. She's capable of a lot of things, but murder is not one of them. She loved him more than anyone she's ever been with. They had one problem-drugs.
I'm not all that religious, but I do have beliefs. There is one thing I'm not so sure of. I know people say that the bible states if you take your own life, you're damned to hell. Why is that? I sometimes think that people take their own life because they're tired of living the life they were givin and don't have the stregnth to change. Some would say it's a sign of weakness, but sometimes drugs really take a hold of people and they can't walk away. So what really made him weak? Wasn't it the drugs that really made him weak and maybe the only escape he found was ending it all? I really will miss him and I feel so horrible for his little girl. She wasn't living here with him, but she loved her daddy so much. She's nine years old and I can only imagine the pain she is going through. My little sister and her are best friends.
It really is a sad time and sad times always make me think too much. I could write tons more, but I'm going to take a break and get back to spending time with my son! Much love to my readers!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Crazy people
Ok, I have this friend. She is a wonderful friend for the most part because she's always there if you need her and she looks out for you. She has a mental disability, but is in complete denial. I've known her since we were kids and I know for a fact there is something wrong with her mentally. I've never held this against her because I'm not a judgemental person. What I do have a problem with is the fact that she thinks that she knows everything and she's highly addicted to pills. The addiction really worries me. I would never turn my back on her because for one, she has always been there for me and two, her family treats her like dirt.
It never fails that when I'm telling her about something that happened, she's always got something to say about it. It's as if she knows exactly why it happened and when you tell her no that's not why, she argues the fact. And god forbid she hear a rumor because she'll swear it's true and not even look at the source it's coming from. That really kills me. Though she's really helpful when it comes to what people are saying about me because as soon as she hears something, she calls. It's great. I love hearing what people have to say about me. Considering the only time I leave the house is to shop or go outside to play with my son or go swimming, people really shouldn't have anything to say about me. That's a whole different story though and maybe one day I'll blog about that.
Her addiction really scares me. I dated a guy last year who was an addict and his addiction got so bad that he couldn't function without pills, but again that's a whole different story. She hurts which is understandable, but her pain can't really be that bad. I've seen her help lift 100 pound barrells of shrimp, so don't come at me with the pain story. I hurt and I function without medication, but you don't see me lifting on 10 of these barrells in a day to further aggitate the pain. The doctor currently prescribes pain patches, vicoden, tramadol, and soma. First of all that's just too much. Second of all, she runs out far before the month is over. That's what scares me the most. She's using too much. The patches are supposed to last 3 days each, but sometimes she'll have on 2-3 at a time. She could easily overdose especially while taking the other medications with them. She doesn't understand that she's addicted; she knows she wants it, but talks bad about others because they are strung out. You can't tell her anything.
She's always been a good friend to me even when I wasn't such a great person. I've been down that road before so I won't turn my back on her. Her brother used to be my best friend when we were growing up and even before I got pregnant we were really good friends. Needless to say we're not friends anymore because of the fact he is very close minded. He treats my friend like shit. He abuses her both physically and mentally when she won't give him any of her "dope". He's a worthless bastard. Her mother treats her like pure dirt. Even though she does have this mental disability, she knows how to take care of herself, she can half ass manage her money, and she isn't a child. When her mother was the payee of her check, she would use her money to pay her cell phone bill and other bullshit items. I helped my friend contact social services and she now has a social worker. What does her mother think about me because of this? Oh I'm such a bad friend. Her father passed away in 2007 and that was possibly the worst thing that could have happened to her because he was good to her. He bought her a car before he passed away, but now it's in her mother's name so she barely gets to drive it. Her mother also bought a trailor for my friend to live in, but charges her rent money every month; Her brother who lives with her, pays nothing. Even her sister is a bitch to her. Her sister has a son and barely lets my friend see him. It's really sad because she's great with kids. My son loves her to death and is always so happy to see her when she comes around.
Despite her flaws, she is a great friend. We have to be able to see the good in people and know that our kindness goes a long way. She treats my son as if he's her very own nephew and I love that. Even though I'd like to slap the shit out of her sometimes because of that mouth, I love her! I guess we all feel that way about our friends sometimes.
It never fails that when I'm telling her about something that happened, she's always got something to say about it. It's as if she knows exactly why it happened and when you tell her no that's not why, she argues the fact. And god forbid she hear a rumor because she'll swear it's true and not even look at the source it's coming from. That really kills me. Though she's really helpful when it comes to what people are saying about me because as soon as she hears something, she calls. It's great. I love hearing what people have to say about me. Considering the only time I leave the house is to shop or go outside to play with my son or go swimming, people really shouldn't have anything to say about me. That's a whole different story though and maybe one day I'll blog about that.
Her addiction really scares me. I dated a guy last year who was an addict and his addiction got so bad that he couldn't function without pills, but again that's a whole different story. She hurts which is understandable, but her pain can't really be that bad. I've seen her help lift 100 pound barrells of shrimp, so don't come at me with the pain story. I hurt and I function without medication, but you don't see me lifting on 10 of these barrells in a day to further aggitate the pain. The doctor currently prescribes pain patches, vicoden, tramadol, and soma. First of all that's just too much. Second of all, she runs out far before the month is over. That's what scares me the most. She's using too much. The patches are supposed to last 3 days each, but sometimes she'll have on 2-3 at a time. She could easily overdose especially while taking the other medications with them. She doesn't understand that she's addicted; she knows she wants it, but talks bad about others because they are strung out. You can't tell her anything.
She's always been a good friend to me even when I wasn't such a great person. I've been down that road before so I won't turn my back on her. Her brother used to be my best friend when we were growing up and even before I got pregnant we were really good friends. Needless to say we're not friends anymore because of the fact he is very close minded. He treats my friend like shit. He abuses her both physically and mentally when she won't give him any of her "dope". He's a worthless bastard. Her mother treats her like pure dirt. Even though she does have this mental disability, she knows how to take care of herself, she can half ass manage her money, and she isn't a child. When her mother was the payee of her check, she would use her money to pay her cell phone bill and other bullshit items. I helped my friend contact social services and she now has a social worker. What does her mother think about me because of this? Oh I'm such a bad friend. Her father passed away in 2007 and that was possibly the worst thing that could have happened to her because he was good to her. He bought her a car before he passed away, but now it's in her mother's name so she barely gets to drive it. Her mother also bought a trailor for my friend to live in, but charges her rent money every month; Her brother who lives with her, pays nothing. Even her sister is a bitch to her. Her sister has a son and barely lets my friend see him. It's really sad because she's great with kids. My son loves her to death and is always so happy to see her when she comes around.
Despite her flaws, she is a great friend. We have to be able to see the good in people and know that our kindness goes a long way. She treats my son as if he's her very own nephew and I love that. Even though I'd like to slap the shit out of her sometimes because of that mouth, I love her! I guess we all feel that way about our friends sometimes.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Here and now
I want to use my blog as a way to release some of the things I have built up inside, but sometimes I can't find the right words. The only person that seems to be interested in listening to me is my two year old son. That's great and all, but talking to a two year old doesn't get much feedback and somethings I want to say usually include vulgar language that I try not to use around my son.
It's like I get this text from the "father" of my child telling me that if he HAS to pay then he will see HIM even if he has to get a lawyer and that's all he has to say. A few minutes later I get another text stating the amount the court told him he had to pay and that he'd like to know if he could come pick HIM up for the night and he'd have him back by noon the next day. First of all I want to start out by saying that I've never kept my child from him. My son turned two years old in April and the "father" has seen him 5-7 times, two of which my son was two months old(2007). The other three times that he seen him and spent any substantial amount of time with him was between February and April of this year. I've told the "father" that he was welcome anytime to come see Christopher, but he would have to see him under my supervision. Keep in mind that I just filed for Child support in June of this year. We had an agreement in February that he would pay me $40.00 a week, but I only recieved that a few times. He came to see Christopher twice between February and April. I took Christopher to see him the third time only because it was Christopher's birthday and the "father" was supposed to do something special for him. No that didn't happen. A ghetto ass cake that was nothing like he said he was going to get and one cheap ass toy. On top of that we only stayed for about 30 minutes because he had to go to work. Now he expects me to send my child off with him overnight. He is a stranger to my son. He doesn't know him and I've given him the chance to get to know him, but he wouldn't take it. He puts all the blame on me because he doesn't see him.
This pisses me off more than you can imagine because my thoughts on the father is that he is a selfish fucking bastard who could care less about the child. He's never contacted me about seeing Christopher until I initiated contact through his girlfriend. The only reason he wants to see him now is because he's being ordered to pay child support. I would never say something like that. "If I have to pay, I will see him." Why didn't he want to see him before? Want to know the excuse he gave me last summer? First off when he contacted me, he didn't ask about Christopher at all. Then when I mentioned something about him possibly seeing Christopher he said yeah I'll do that. I told him not to show up empty handed, at least bring some diapers. Two weeks went by and then he messages me on MYSPACE and tells me he can't come see Christopher right now because his girlfriend just lost her baby and he has to deal with that. Now I'm sorry she lost her baby; I can't imagine what it's like, but don't come at me with that when I've been raising the child you helped me create. So of course I said I was sorry that happened, but then I flipped out on his ass. I told him to fuck off and if he couldn't find time for Christopher then that was ok because Christopher would always be taken care of and we didn't need him. I was seeing someone at the time who treated Christopher like his own child and that's all Christopher knew as a daddy.
Now he's coming at me with some bullshit wanting to take my kid away overnight; He's lost his fucking mind. If my child had the slightest idea who he was, then I would consider it. I can't just look at my son and say, "Ok baby, you're going to go with this guy right here and you'll be back home to Mommy tomorrow." Yeah ok...my son is a momma's boy for sure and he doesn't like being away from me at all. Do you really think I'd let him go off with someone he's not comfortable with. Hell no.
What I don't look forward to is having to one day explain to him where his daddy is and why he isn't a part of his life. I know that even if he starts seeing him now, it won't last. I'm sad for my son, but then again he has a big loving family who makes sure he has everything he NEEDS and WANTS. He doesn't go without that's for sure. He's a happy child and hopefully he'll have all the love he needs and he'll understand when he's older that he done nothing to deserve this; some people are just fucking assholes!
I recieved that today, which is why I needed to vent. I hadn't heard anything out of him in over a month. The last I heard from him was that I needed to be prepared because he was taking me to court. I've already had a few friends offer to help me out financially if I need to get a lawyer. He's got more mouth than he's got money or friends to help. He'll have his day I'm sure, but he can kiss my ass. I think what I hate more than anything when he calls or texts is that he tells me he still wants to be with me. The stupid fucker is supposed to be marrying that stupid bitch he's with. I don't want his stupid, young, immature ass. He really needs to grow up and accept reality.
It's like I get this text from the "father" of my child telling me that if he HAS to pay then he will see HIM even if he has to get a lawyer and that's all he has to say. A few minutes later I get another text stating the amount the court told him he had to pay and that he'd like to know if he could come pick HIM up for the night and he'd have him back by noon the next day. First of all I want to start out by saying that I've never kept my child from him. My son turned two years old in April and the "father" has seen him 5-7 times, two of which my son was two months old(2007). The other three times that he seen him and spent any substantial amount of time with him was between February and April of this year. I've told the "father" that he was welcome anytime to come see Christopher, but he would have to see him under my supervision. Keep in mind that I just filed for Child support in June of this year. We had an agreement in February that he would pay me $40.00 a week, but I only recieved that a few times. He came to see Christopher twice between February and April. I took Christopher to see him the third time only because it was Christopher's birthday and the "father" was supposed to do something special for him. No that didn't happen. A ghetto ass cake that was nothing like he said he was going to get and one cheap ass toy. On top of that we only stayed for about 30 minutes because he had to go to work. Now he expects me to send my child off with him overnight. He is a stranger to my son. He doesn't know him and I've given him the chance to get to know him, but he wouldn't take it. He puts all the blame on me because he doesn't see him.
This pisses me off more than you can imagine because my thoughts on the father is that he is a selfish fucking bastard who could care less about the child. He's never contacted me about seeing Christopher until I initiated contact through his girlfriend. The only reason he wants to see him now is because he's being ordered to pay child support. I would never say something like that. "If I have to pay, I will see him." Why didn't he want to see him before? Want to know the excuse he gave me last summer? First off when he contacted me, he didn't ask about Christopher at all. Then when I mentioned something about him possibly seeing Christopher he said yeah I'll do that. I told him not to show up empty handed, at least bring some diapers. Two weeks went by and then he messages me on MYSPACE and tells me he can't come see Christopher right now because his girlfriend just lost her baby and he has to deal with that. Now I'm sorry she lost her baby; I can't imagine what it's like, but don't come at me with that when I've been raising the child you helped me create. So of course I said I was sorry that happened, but then I flipped out on his ass. I told him to fuck off and if he couldn't find time for Christopher then that was ok because Christopher would always be taken care of and we didn't need him. I was seeing someone at the time who treated Christopher like his own child and that's all Christopher knew as a daddy.
Now he's coming at me with some bullshit wanting to take my kid away overnight; He's lost his fucking mind. If my child had the slightest idea who he was, then I would consider it. I can't just look at my son and say, "Ok baby, you're going to go with this guy right here and you'll be back home to Mommy tomorrow." Yeah ok...my son is a momma's boy for sure and he doesn't like being away from me at all. Do you really think I'd let him go off with someone he's not comfortable with. Hell no.
What I don't look forward to is having to one day explain to him where his daddy is and why he isn't a part of his life. I know that even if he starts seeing him now, it won't last. I'm sad for my son, but then again he has a big loving family who makes sure he has everything he NEEDS and WANTS. He doesn't go without that's for sure. He's a happy child and hopefully he'll have all the love he needs and he'll understand when he's older that he done nothing to deserve this; some people are just fucking assholes!
I recieved that today, which is why I needed to vent. I hadn't heard anything out of him in over a month. The last I heard from him was that I needed to be prepared because he was taking me to court. I've already had a few friends offer to help me out financially if I need to get a lawyer. He's got more mouth than he's got money or friends to help. He'll have his day I'm sure, but he can kiss my ass. I think what I hate more than anything when he calls or texts is that he tells me he still wants to be with me. The stupid fucker is supposed to be marrying that stupid bitch he's with. I don't want his stupid, young, immature ass. He really needs to grow up and accept reality.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
School
So school started back Wednesday. I'm taking anatomy and survey of mathematics. The math is a little complicated because it's been so long since I've been in school. The anatomy isn't bad so far; I learned a lot of this stuff in medical terminology. I'm going to school for medical transcription, which may not be the best choice for me. I will stick with it because I know I want to be in the medical field so the classes will come in handy. I'm thinking about nursing once this is over, but I haven't made my mind up for sure.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Today
Life is random.
Sometimes it’s good.
Other times it’s bad.
If only we could have the good all the time.
We can’t all be that lucky.
I can’t really say that my life is so bad.
My son is healthy and happy.
He looks at me like I’m his whole world; that brightens my day!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Love
If you ask me about love, I'll point to my son. You're going to say, "no, not that kind of love" right? I'll get this crazed look on my face, then it'll turn into a silly grin, only to fade into a sad, sad look.
The crazed look is caused by my first thought when I hear the word love. I think about all the time, effort, and energy put into that relationship. When things don't work out, I feel like I've wasted my time. Why did I put all that effort into a world that he didn't really want to share? I thought for sure that's who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I guess I was wrong. I've been taken advantage of for being so loving and giving. Oh how I've changed.
That silly little grin will form when I think about how "high" on love I've been in the past. Everything seemed to be perfect. It's like being on top of the world I guess. I don't really know the words to describe what I felt or if the words even exist. My confidence soared and I felt complete. It's like he looks at you and you know life can't get any better. I felt absolutely amazing inside and out. It's like that search is over and you can finally begin to live the rest of your life.
Now I'm wearing a sad face because I think about all the heartache. Like I mentioned before things just didn't work and now your world is shattered into pieces. It feels like your heart can never be healed because the one you love isn't the right one. I begin to wonder if there is such a thing as the right one. I'm all alone in a dark place feeling trapped, like I'll never be able to pick myself back up. With all the love I'm capable of giving, don't I deserve to get that same love in return? Hope is all that's left.
Love is great; love is horrid. I love with all I've got and put my heart on the line. I always expect the pain, but always forget just how bad it can hurt. So don't look at me like I'm crazy when you ask me about love and you see how the expressions on my face go from crazed to happy then to sad.
The crazed look is caused by my first thought when I hear the word love. I think about all the time, effort, and energy put into that relationship. When things don't work out, I feel like I've wasted my time. Why did I put all that effort into a world that he didn't really want to share? I thought for sure that's who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I guess I was wrong. I've been taken advantage of for being so loving and giving. Oh how I've changed.
That silly little grin will form when I think about how "high" on love I've been in the past. Everything seemed to be perfect. It's like being on top of the world I guess. I don't really know the words to describe what I felt or if the words even exist. My confidence soared and I felt complete. It's like he looks at you and you know life can't get any better. I felt absolutely amazing inside and out. It's like that search is over and you can finally begin to live the rest of your life.
Now I'm wearing a sad face because I think about all the heartache. Like I mentioned before things just didn't work and now your world is shattered into pieces. It feels like your heart can never be healed because the one you love isn't the right one. I begin to wonder if there is such a thing as the right one. I'm all alone in a dark place feeling trapped, like I'll never be able to pick myself back up. With all the love I'm capable of giving, don't I deserve to get that same love in return? Hope is all that's left.
Love is great; love is horrid. I love with all I've got and put my heart on the line. I always expect the pain, but always forget just how bad it can hurt. So don't look at me like I'm crazy when you ask me about love and you see how the expressions on my face go from crazed to happy then to sad.
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