Here and now

I want to use my blog as a way to release some of the things I have built up inside, but sometimes I can't find the right words. The only person that seems to be interested in listening to me is my two year old son. That's great and all, but talking to a two year old doesn't get much feedback and somethings I want to say usually include vulgar language that I try not to use around my son.
It's like I get this text from the "father" of my child telling me that if he HAS to pay then he will see HIM even if he has to get a lawyer and that's all he has to say. A few minutes later I get another text stating the amount the court told him he had to pay and that he'd like to know if he could come pick HIM up for the night and he'd have him back by noon the next day. First of all I want to start out by saying that I've never kept my child from him. My son turned two years old in April and the "father" has seen him 5-7 times, two of which my son was two months old(2007). The other three times that he seen him and spent any substantial amount of time with him was between February and April of this year. I've told the "father" that he was welcome anytime to come see Christopher, but he would have to see him under my supervision. Keep in mind that I just filed for Child support in June of this year. We had an agreement in February that he would pay me $40.00 a week, but I only recieved that a few times. He came to see Christopher twice between February and April. I took Christopher to see him the third time only because it was Christopher's birthday and the "father" was supposed to do something special for him. No that didn't happen. A ghetto ass cake that was nothing like he said he was going to get and one cheap ass toy. On top of that we only stayed for about 30 minutes because he had to go to work. Now he expects me to send my child off with him overnight. He is a stranger to my son. He doesn't know him and I've given him the chance to get to know him, but he wouldn't take it. He puts all the blame on me because he doesn't see him.
This pisses me off more than you can imagine because my thoughts on the father is that he is a selfish fucking bastard who could care less about the child. He's never contacted me about seeing Christopher until I initiated contact through his girlfriend. The only reason he wants to see him now is because he's being ordered to pay child support. I would never say something like that. "If I have to pay, I will see him." Why didn't he want to see him before? Want to know the excuse he gave me last summer? First off when he contacted me, he didn't ask about Christopher at all. Then when I mentioned something about him possibly seeing Christopher he said yeah I'll do that. I told him not to show up empty handed, at least bring some diapers. Two weeks went by and then he messages me on MYSPACE and tells me he can't come see Christopher right now because his girlfriend just lost her baby and he has to deal with that. Now I'm sorry she lost her baby; I can't imagine what it's like, but don't come at me with that when I've been raising the child you helped me create. So of course I said I was sorry that happened, but then I flipped out on his ass. I told him to fuck off and if he couldn't find time for Christopher then that was ok because Christopher would always be taken care of and we didn't need him. I was seeing someone at the time who treated Christopher like his own child and that's all Christopher knew as a daddy.
Now he's coming at me with some bullshit wanting to take my kid away overnight; He's lost his fucking mind. If my child had the slightest idea who he was, then I would consider it. I can't just look at my son and say, "Ok baby, you're going to go with this guy right here and you'll be back home to Mommy tomorrow." Yeah ok...my son is a momma's boy for sure and he doesn't like being away from me at all. Do you really think I'd let him go off with someone he's not comfortable with. Hell no.
What I don't look forward to is having to one day explain to him where his daddy is and why he isn't a part of his life. I know that even if he starts seeing him now, it won't last. I'm sad for my son, but then again he has a big loving family who makes sure he has everything he NEEDS and WANTS. He doesn't go without that's for sure. He's a happy child and hopefully he'll have all the love he needs and he'll understand when he's older that he done nothing to deserve this; some people are just fucking assholes!
I recieved that today, which is why I needed to vent. I hadn't heard anything out of him in over a month. The last I heard from him was that I needed to be prepared because he was taking me to court. I've already had a few friends offer to help me out financially if I need to get a lawyer. He's got more mouth than he's got money or friends to help. He'll have his day I'm sure, but he can kiss my ass. I think what I hate more than anything when he calls or texts is that he tells me he still wants to be with me. The stupid fucker is supposed to be marrying that stupid bitch he's with. I don't want his stupid, young, immature ass. He really needs to grow up and accept reality.